Rambling of the Sick

I often wonder what people think about when they're ill. Is it getting better? is the thought about death or all the things they never got to do? I don't know. I myself never even considered death. I mean what's the point, it's one of those things you can't control. It's inevitable. This posting isn't about death though..its about living. Now that can be terrifying to some people...to REALLY live instead of just EXISTING.

I'm currently in the middle of the worst instance of the flu I've ever encountered. It's uncomfortable, it's painful and I'm alive. Isn't that odd? I'm alive...to even think that in a moment like this can, to some, seem ridiculous. What do I always say though? I want to FEEL, REALLY FEEL, no matter the feeling, good or bad. It's the first real testament of living and not just existing. Yeah pain and discomfort sucks but it also tends to drag you out of the dull void life can become sometimes when you're not paying attention.

So yes I also rejoice in knowing that I'm alive, even in this stupid flu. Don't get me wrong I'm not happy to be sick, I mean who would be. We all want to experience life when we're fully capable of enjoying every facet of it.  Yet again, I must reiterate, illness is another aspect of life we can't always control. We can try to limit it, stave it off..but even the healthiest of us all will fall victim to it. That's life.

So what am I saying..nothing really..everything maybe..who knows. What I'm rambling on about is open to interpretation. Maybe this blog is the product of a fevered brain in need of release. Who knows and who cares...We all decide what we want to believe, what we want to feel, even what we refuse to feel...so if this makes you think...if it makes you feel anything at all, well kudos to me I guess :). Truthfully though, kudos to you for being ALIVE enough to feel at all. That's a triumph you know, our real destiny in life, the one real thing we can control, is ourselves.

Man didn't I just blow your mind...didn't I? The only thing we have any real control over is ourselves and I'm talking about our emotions. I'm talking about how we choose to interpret them, express them, bottle them, all of it. We can seriously say, we control that. Now what we each do with them is entirely up to us. I don't know about you but I wanna share...I've always wanted to share how I feel about my friends, lovers, family, even people I can't stand. People fear these feelings, they bottle them, misinterpret them, lash out at them because they can't control them. I mean the emotions they don't understand, the ones directed at them from others. People like what they can control, even if that control is merely an illusion. People like to feel like they know how their lives will pan out, how every step will turn out but it's the unknown that is most terrifying. Walking around that corner and finding that things aren't what you thought they were.

Things are never what they appear to be. The truth of things is that we NEVER know what anyone else is thinking. Isn't that thought terrifying? We are ultimately alone in life and we sometimes come close to finding someone to share our feelings and our fears with. This is what drives us to find that partner, we need to feel as though we're not alone. Who can blame us? Who wants to be alone? I know I don't but I accept the world as it is and the consequences of understanding that very point. So what do I do about it? Again another thing I cannot control.. perhaps I should start a list.

I try to live...whatever that means for each and every one of us. Whatever feels right for you and you have control of it, do it. This of course means that whatever that thing may be, it won't cross the bounds of right and wrong. We are human beings, capable of many atrocities as we've seen over the centuries. Try to live a life you can be proud of, that's what I plan to do, one way or the other. We're all flawed and that is PERFECTLY alright with me.

Soulemetry: Fairy Tales Do Exist

“Soulemetry”, the very idea of it makes me shiver. To see my thoughts, feelings and hopes displayed in this way makes me feel like nothing is impossible. :) Kind've like when you're young and you still believed in Santa Clause, true love and fairy tales. 

You know I've always been a believer in true love, love at first sight, soul mates, the whole shebang. I really have, all the things that are made out of fairy tales I believed. I feel like a shadow of myself now...back then everything was alive, the possibilities endless and love was just somewhere out there lurking...waiting to find me, to find us all when we least expect it.  

Soulemetry is a term I heard in the movie "Elena Undone", a very mature look at the lesbian romance...no tragic endings...nothing that would makes us feel as though we don't have the right to love, the right to happiness and the right to happily ever after...such as it is in the real world. I watched this movie unfold and I felt like a child again, filled with expectation, with hope and with love. For the longest time now, I've not felt my heart beat in my chest the way it would if I were truly alive. If my world meant more than it did. A lot of us are simply going through the motions...and the sad part is, we don't even know it. 

We fall into traps of our own making and we forget what it means to LIVE, to FEEL, to FALL. I want to feel everything so intensely it hurts, because to NOT feel anything is tantamount to death. LIFE is about finding balance between the things you can't control and the things you can. I have accepted the things I can't control because there is nothing to be done wasting time worrying over them. Instead, I focus on the things I can affect, like my attitude, my purpose, my happiness and my life. 

I believe that one day, I will see someone and in that moment I will KNOW that she is the ONE. It will be EPIC and unfathomable but it will be OURS. I will be BLINDSIDED and I look forward to it. I think we should all be so lucky....Well what else can I say...My biggest fear is to have found her, lost her and not even know it.

Now that is terrifying....