Friday, May 6, 2011

Passion: That's what lacking

Passion, that is what is missing from my life. I realized that this lack of desire to affect or change anything is what is driving my inability to find my drive, once so bright and flourishing. Passion in all its many senses too, not just romantic but everything else as well. I can remember feeling FIRE in my soul when it came to my work, this distinct desire to gobble up everything I could possibly learn, to grow, to be better, to know more than I ever did before. Now I feel empty when I am at work, I guess some people may say that this would be a great time to change fields. Well my field is ever changing and my job is new; new information everyday. To it's credit I do feel sparks some days; I feel that the inactivity, the lack of passion is directly correlated to falling into a rut, the absence of change and growth can be staggering, I fear my change came too late.

I can also remember a time when I trembled with passion so intense I had no words for it. The mere sight of her made my knees weak and my mind go blank. The desire both, physical and emotional, to have her and to have her want me was overwhelming. I have never known passion so intense, nor have I known it since. I feel as though I am floating in a cloud and I can't quite reach the zenith of emotion anymore.

My friends bring me immense joy, I love them dearly and would do almost anything for them but as with all people who don't belong to you inherently, they can't be with you always. Everyone has their own lives and are free to live them. I know this and adhere to it. I find that I am rescued from my fog by my friends. I always look forward to seeing the sun whenever I'm with them. The flip side of course if that I also feel very lonely, when I'm with some of my friends. Everyone is coupled and happy and I'm stuck in a fog where light barely penetrates much less a woman to chase the clouds away.

Passion is missing from my stable life. My life where I go to work, make my money, pay my bills, and take care of my mother is lacking passion. I know what it feels like but cannot recreate it. Nothing excites me anymore, lest it be a new movie. How ridiculous is that? But then again I've always been able to lose myself in a movie, respite from the world for just a little while. Who wouldn't want a break sometimes? I find that I am sometimes, trapped in my head, my head where everything is encased in fog.

I'm not writing this for sympathy or any other silly notion. I'm writing this as a way to exercise the fog, be gone and clear the way for that which is really me. I am writing this to pull myself out of my own reverie, to free myself from my own form of drudgery. We all fall victim to it, we all miss the signs and we all can pull ourselves out of it. I am not the kind of person who is OK with just letting things be, no. I need my life to be vibrant and filled with many colors and experiences. This forced drudgery has to go and the first step is to vocalize or write the effect of it.

Passion is what I'm missing and I am now on my way to finding it all over again, one tiny step at a time.