Monday, July 2, 2012

Emotions: A beautiful thing but sometimes hard to handle

I always advocate for living in the moment, feeling everything good or bad. I absolutely believe this is the epitome of living. Proof that we haven't become numb to all that life can offer. But I've also got to say, the bad feeling can be overwhelming, sometimes making you want to override what your head tells you is the right course of action. How much can one person take before they say no more? Is it wrong to cut someone off if they don't fit into your mold or live up to expectations? How many chances do you give before you say enough? For me, I've learned enough to know my limits...but sometimes i wonder if i'm being too harsh at times. I don't allow anyone to play games with me, the moment they start I kick them out. The ability to remove people from my world is one I do very well, though in this current instance I have reservations. Should I be moved by tears? I guess I am a push over. Doesn't mean I'll be taking anymore BS, just for the sake of normalcy and no tears. Sigh my friends think i'm being too soft, my mind says i'm being body says..she feels too good to let go...but my heart says she's not even remotely worth my time.

How do I find a compromise among all these different voices? I have already made my decision and currently I am sticking by it. So what is my problem really? I think it's because I haven't felt much of anything for anyone in so long that I have latched on fiercely to this emotion. Both the good and bad about it make me feel alive. Imagine that, i'm overflowing with thoughts and feelings and all of a sudden I need to unburden. These are the moments when i write..when I feel. Oh wow..I guess I've been going through the motions for quite some time now haven't I? See this is what I fear...not realizing that everything I do means nothing deep down to me. I don't wish to live like this... so yes I welcome this moment of emotion because it reminds me to wake up and go find more moments like these.

We all want to find love, from our family, our friends, and anyone else in-between if it matters to you. For me, I just need my close friends, a lover and whatever family I choose to be close to me. I think i'm finally ready for a lover, partner, confidant...someone to call my own. I guess i'm ready and i have yet to choose the right girl LOL or she hasn't chosen me yet. Either way, when it rains it pours :).

So feel people feel because without the bad you can't appreciate the good. Sometimes we have to hurt to really know we are alive and right now I am annoyed and a little jealous (go figure) but sticking to my guns. Crazy gone. :)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Adventures: How open can you be?

I personally think it's great to have adventures of all kinds in life. I mean do you really want to be on your death bed looking back on your life and thinking "Well that was pointless!!". Come on we all want to feel as though our lives had meaning at least to us (who cares about anyone else right ;). Well I am doing that, making it count, just trying whatever I feel like in that moment. It's hard though because it's societies job to brainwash us into thinking what we want is wrong. So here's a fun moment in my life.

I was home on a Sunday a few weeks ago, kinda bored looking for something to do. Everyone I knew was busy and I'm not stopped in any way by the prospect of doing something alone. So I was trolling the women for women page on DC's craigslist and I came across a posting that spoke to me. I mean when I read it, somehow, I knew that if I answered it I would get exactly what I was looking for. The post was of a 21 yr old Peruvian girl who had come to DC alone to explore and was looking to meet someone to check out the female scene with, have coffee, make-out, whatever. I admit to feeling a desire to kiss another human being. I don't know if you've ever read my blog before but kissing is pretty important to me. I'd hate to be on my deathbed and think "Damn, I should have kissed more.". That is a depressing thought. Anyway, on with the story.

So I answered this post and within 5 minutes, I had a name and phone number. I called of course, we talked and I told her there would be a party in Baltimore that night we could attend. She said she would call me around six once she was done sightseeing. So I pick her up around 9 from her hotel and head off to Baltimore. She was very attractive, long dark hair, soft voice (tinged with a Peruvian accent) and a nice body. She looked at me when she stepped into the car and seemed very relaxed. We spent the drive up talking and laughing, she enjoyed my jokes and was flirting heavily with me. Just what I was looking for, a night with a woman who wanted me, no strings attached.

Hmm have I said what i wanted out of this encounter yet? Well let me enlighten you, I am not much for casual sex so my main purpose was to spend some time in a females company, have some laughs, flirt outrageously and make-out as much as possible. Can I tell you? I got exactly what I wanted.

On with the story, so we get to Baltimore and spend the next few hours hanging out with my friends at the bar of the Hippo, buying her shots (it was her birthday and she only had 2), good conversation and playing pool. The dance floor was empty since the turnout was abysmal. Regardless we had loads of fun and my friends made her feel very welcome. By the time, the Hippo was about to close, we had already kissed and low and behold, she was a good kisser. Can I tell you.. those are hard to find! We head over to the club next door to dance and spent probably 40mins dancing and kissing..nice :). We head out to the car hand in hand, I press her to the passenger door and kiss her, she moans softly (very sexy). I open the door for her and she steps in. She leans over to kiss me at each stop light and caresses my hands the entire drive. I turn to her and say "the only thing left to know now is this, Do you want me?" She looks at me with eyes filled with desire, nods, smiles and kisses me again. I am content.

She relaxes in the car as I drive her back to her hotel, never releasing my hand. I ask her if she'd like to see my house? she says yes. I take her home. She says she doesn't have sex lightly and I say, remember what I asked for. (If I hadn't said yet, I just wanted to kiss her). So I say there is no need for sex, so we get ready for bed and we snuggle up and that is all.

Ahhh can I tell you how amazing it felt to just be with someone? No drama, no expectations, just us.

I dropped her off to her hotel in the morning and she has gone from my world. I am very happy I decided to answer her post because it seems we were destined to spend that one night together in perfect harmony.

Now can you say that adventures aren't worth your time? I say follow your feelings and be open to the unknown because sometimes it will surprise you.

Monday, August 29, 2011

This love

So here I am madly in love.....with the idea of being in love. I can't even imagine how I could possible feel anything else. This is what I'm looking for...No I haven't found it but I know what it feels like. I am overwhelmed and I want to reach out and touch everything that made me feel so intensely. I am listening to this song, "this love" by Craig Armstrong, the words speak to my heart in a way I can't even express. I can't tell you how much I want to share this emotion with someone...but there is no one. There is no rush of course because to rush would be to corrupt what you are looking for.

I haven't felt this un-jaded and free in years..Not since I first saw perceived angel, though fallen she may have been. I am not looking for her...I am looking for me and ultimately that which will make me whole.

"This love, doesn't have to feel love. Doesn't care to be love, it doesn't mean a thing. This love."