I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. It's easy to forget when I'm not alone that it matters to me but when I am and I let my mind run away with itself, I find myself right back where I started. Still looking for that one thing I can't seem to find again. My heart is broken in its own way, my spirit feels as though it could be but my soul, the very essence of me refuses to give up on itself. So I continue to fight as I will always fight. The odd thing is, the older I get, the more I know, the less I want to do. I know we all probably wish we could be as fearless as we were when we were younger. When life was simple. The truth is that life is still simple but as we get older things seem more complicated and that's only because of the lessons we've learned, the guards we've put up, the moats we've built around ourselves to protect what we have left. We don't worry about these things when we are young, we have no real concept of loss or emotional hurt and that's because we're in the process of gaining that knowledge.
I want to feel carefree, I want to feel alive and I do at times but moments like this one, I feel hollow. I don't want anyone to think I'm suicidal or any other ridiculous notion like that. Nope, I just want to find what I've lost and I had hoped that with time and increased knowledge it would be easier. Well it's not!!
You know what I've found, so many people post on craigslist for everything and anything you can imagine. If it's something material, you can find it, if its something superficial, you can find it too, but what you can't find is anything real. No real connections, or perhaps that's just my take on it as I read these increasingly more ridiculous posts especially in women for women. I know what you're thinking...you're reading wondering what the hell man..what is she looking for? Well I'm looking for something very unique...at least to me...passion. I want to feel passion for someone, for something because without it, I am hollow. Do you know..there was a time when I could sit and play with some new tech for hours and even better, drop working on that and kiss my girl for hours. I mean the kind of kiss that doesn't have to lead to anything else. You know I was talking to a friend of mine recently and I told her that and she was like " All that kissing would have to lead to something else". I was like why?.... I told her we used to be just fine with just kissing as teenagers, it is only as adults or as we learn adult behaviors, that it has become the REQUIRED response if you start to make-out. Takes a lot of the simple joy out of it if you ask me. Not to say that sex isn't great, it surely is, especially with the right partner but sometimes it doesn't have to be the end-all.
Anyway, the point is where has the passion gone? And what can I really do to bring it back? I feel like I'm slowly losing the desire to try and that terrifies me. I'm usually so filled with life and it never used to be anything for me to to just get up and go. This is the constant battle I fight within myself, there is a very prevalent desire to just stop, to not try anymore. It would mean the end of me to become so uninvolved in life. Life is such an amazing journey and I do not wish to be a spectator. So I fight the desire to just sit and do nothing these days. I win most days and lose others; at least there is progress. It doesn't help that I'm also finding it hard to find anyone attractive anymore. Sigh..I need to change my outlook as well, this apathy is affecting everything, poisoning my way of thinking, my free spirit, that which makes me so very vibrant. This apathy feels like I'm standing over an abyss and if I take one more step, I will fall and lose everything. I need to feel and even in this dismal place, I feel this very acutely. I know I'll be fine but I need to document this moment, my mind is running away with me.
On a very shallow note... :) what I wouldn't give for a proper make-out session LOL. Two lips meeting with the proper emotional responses that make it epic, that make it so you never want to come up for air. Whatever happened to the good-old fashioned make-out? Damned if I know but I swear, the next woman I meet is going to get tired of kissing me. Mojo? Where have you gone? I am coming for you now..wait for me, I will be there soon.
I'm rambling I know, not even sure what i started out to really say except that I can't find what I'm looking for and I know I really shouldn't be looking at all. Sad affair to know what you should do, yet find all types of ways to not do it. Ain't life grand?
