I want something and I can't find it

I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. It's easy to forget when I'm not alone that it matters to me but when I am and I let my mind run away with itself, I find myself right back where I started. Still looking for that one thing I can't seem to find again. My heart is broken in its own way, my spirit feels as though it could be but my soul, the very essence of me refuses to give up on itself. So I continue to fight as I will always fight. The odd thing is, the older I get, the more I know, the less I want to do. I know we all probably wish we could be as fearless as we were when we were younger. When life was simple. The truth is that life is still simple but as we get older things seem more complicated and that's only because of the lessons we've learned, the guards we've put up, the moats we've built around ourselves to protect what we have left. We don't worry about these things when we are young, we have no real concept of loss or emotional hurt and that's because we're in the process of gaining that knowledge.

 I want to feel carefree, I want to feel alive and I do at times but moments like this one, I feel hollow. I don't want anyone to think I'm suicidal or any other ridiculous notion like that. Nope, I just want to find what I've lost and I had hoped that with time and increased knowledge it would be easier. Well it's not!!

You know what I've found, so many people post on craigslist for everything and anything you can imagine. If it's something material, you can find it, if its something superficial, you can find it too, but what you can't find is anything real. No real connections, or perhaps that's just my take on it as I read these increasingly more ridiculous posts especially in women for women. I know what you're thinking...you're reading wondering what the hell man..what is she looking for? Well I'm looking for something very unique...at least to me...passion. I want to feel passion for someone, for something because without it, I am hollow. Do you know..there was a time when I could sit and play with some new tech for hours and even better, drop working on that and kiss my girl for hours. I mean the kind of kiss that doesn't have to lead to anything else. You know I was talking to a friend of mine recently and I told her that and she was like " All that kissing would have to lead to something else". I was like why?.... I told her we used to be just fine with just kissing as teenagers, it is only as adults or as we learn adult behaviors, that it has become the REQUIRED response if you start to make-out. Takes a lot of the simple joy out of it if you ask me. Not to say that sex isn't great, it surely is, especially with the right partner but sometimes it doesn't have to be the end-all.

Anyway, the point is where has the passion gone? And what can I really do to bring it back? I feel like I'm slowly losing the desire to try and that terrifies me. I'm usually so filled with life and it never used to be anything for me to to just get up and go. This is the constant battle I fight within myself, there is a very prevalent desire to just stop, to not try anymore. It would mean the end of me to become so uninvolved in life. Life is such an amazing journey and I do not wish to be a spectator. So I fight the desire to just sit and do nothing these days. I win most days and lose others; at least there is progress. It doesn't help that I'm also finding it hard to find anyone attractive anymore. Sigh..I need to change my outlook as well, this apathy is affecting everything, poisoning my way of thinking, my free spirit, that which makes me so very vibrant. This apathy feels like I'm standing over an abyss and if I take one more step, I will fall and lose everything. I need to feel and even in this dismal place, I feel this very acutely. I know I'll be fine but I need to document this moment, my mind is running away with me.

On a very shallow note... :) what I wouldn't give for a proper make-out session LOL. Two lips meeting with the proper emotional responses that make it epic, that make it so you never want to come up for air. Whatever happened to the good-old fashioned make-out? Damned if I know but I swear, the next woman I meet is going to get tired of kissing me. Mojo? Where have you gone? I am coming for you now..wait for me, I will be there soon.

I'm rambling I know, not even sure what i started out to really say except that I can't find what I'm looking for and I know I really shouldn't be looking at all. Sad affair to know what you should do, yet find all types of ways to not do it. Ain't life grand?

Passion: That's what lacking

Passion, that is what is missing from my life. I realized that this lack of desire to affect or change anything is what is driving my inability to find my drive, once so bright and flourishing. Passion in all its many senses too, not just romantic but everything else as well. I can remember feeling FIRE in my soul when it came to my work, this distinct desire to gobble up everything I could possibly learn, to grow, to be better, to know more than I ever did before. Now I feel empty when I am at work, I guess some people may say that this would be a great time to change fields. Well my field is ever changing and my job is new; new information everyday. To it's credit I do feel sparks some days; I feel that the inactivity, the lack of passion is directly correlated to falling into a rut, the absence of change and growth can be staggering, I fear my change came too late.

I can also remember a time when I trembled with passion so intense I had no words for it. The mere sight of her made my knees weak and my mind go blank. The desire both, physical and emotional, to have her and to have her want me was overwhelming. I have never known passion so intense, nor have I known it since. I feel as though I am floating in a cloud and I can't quite reach the zenith of emotion anymore.

My friends bring me immense joy, I love them dearly and would do almost anything for them but as with all people who don't belong to you inherently, they can't be with you always. Everyone has their own lives and are free to live them. I know this and adhere to it. I find that I am rescued from my fog by my friends. I always look forward to seeing the sun whenever I'm with them. The flip side of course if that I also feel very lonely, when I'm with some of my friends. Everyone is coupled and happy and I'm stuck in a fog where light barely penetrates much less a woman to chase the clouds away.

Passion is missing from my stable life. My life where I go to work, make my money, pay my bills, and take care of my mother is lacking passion. I know what it feels like but cannot recreate it. Nothing excites me anymore, lest it be a new movie. How ridiculous is that? But then again I've always been able to lose myself in a movie, respite from the world for just a little while. Who wouldn't want a break sometimes? I find that I am sometimes, trapped in my head, my head where everything is encased in fog.

I'm not writing this for sympathy or any other silly notion. I'm writing this as a way to exercise the fog, be gone and clear the way for that which is really me. I am writing this to pull myself out of my own reverie, to free myself from my own form of drudgery. We all fall victim to it, we all miss the signs and we all can pull ourselves out of it. I am not the kind of person who is OK with just letting things be, no. I need my life to be vibrant and filled with many colors and experiences. This forced drudgery has to go and the first step is to vocalize or write the effect of it.

Passion is what I'm missing and I am now on my way to finding it all over again, one tiny step at a time.

The Mind Embellishes the Truth: Don't Fall into the Trap

The mind is a powerful thing, if you choose to engage its many faceted services. The service I’m interested in specifically is the minds ability to romanticize people/events. Though the blame here can simply be laid with the user. 
 

Error error, does not compute..... tsk tsk. 

You know the moment something is no longer fun we start the compare game. “Oh she wouldn't have done that”, “why isn't his hair like Oscar's?” “She doesn't touch me the way So and So touched me”...”I miss the special way So and So used to look at me”... and on and on and on....

Now this is a trap I’ve long since gotten over but I was thinking about how it affected my early 20's.  It started me thinking.... what is the process? Well it's pretty simple actually- from my experience anyway.

1.     Start new relationship

2.     Be super happy and into the new relationship

3.     First issue after 6mths maybe and you start to think, what am I doing?

Now here is where it gets interesting - if you've been in love before this relationship you instantly want to think that the past relationship was more than it really was. I mean if it was SO very awesome, why is it over? This is where people start to forget the very reasons why this old love died. They start to think about all the good times you used to have with that person and slowly, like some types of poison, they start to eat away at their current relationship. It's the silent killer.

Once you start to romanticize your past love, your current relationship, whatever it is, cannot take the blunt of that silenced machine gun. So now we see the subtle changes in behavior, suddenly sex isn't as fun or important to you, the little things that irritate you about your partner start to feel like BIG issues. You start to harp on them, scratch at them like a festering wound. So because you're harping, tensions rise, your partner may try to change or at least attempt to not annoy as much. They'll be confused when everything they try to do to make things right fail because ultimately it's not their fault at all; nor does it REALLY have anything to do with the annoyances you stated you have.

Now here is the kicker, you might even say something stupid like your ex was the love of your life. Openly disrespecting your current.  Yes, people do say stupid things. Why? Because you want your current partner to know that you're unhappy, because you either are too much of an ass to just come out and say it; or you don't really even know yourself well enough to articulate what you really mean because, get this, you don't even KNOW. This is the part that gets me, people reacting on instinct not even knowing why. 

This is where I lose patience with people. People who do not wish to grow as individuals, to understand what makes them tick are just plain stupid. No relationship can work, if you don't understand yourself; I mean how do you expect anyone else to? "Hey come be with me and by the way, make sure and read my mind while you’re at it." How selfish is that!! Now you might say but things were going so well...come on the first 6 months of almost any relationship will be good. Think about it, what are you really doing anyway? Let's list them.

1.     Having loads of sex

2.     Doing the getting the know you game (I’d say this was the first 2 week)

3.     Trying to be spontaneous

4.     Trying to Impress.

Well all of that is great but there is no REALITY in any of this. This is the honeymoon stage; most people do very well here. I mean you'd have to be an idiot to mess up here.  Wait…what am I saying, most people are inherently stupid anyway…wow glad I caught myself, almost gave those people a pass there…Whew.

Anyway, here is the important piece of this whole rant, when you romanticize the past, it slowly eats away at your future destroying any real chance of happiness you could’ve had. The point of the past is to be a learning tool, a measure of reference but NOT a place to never leave or grow out of. Your past is over and done with, enough with the wallowing in it. I hate wallowing, I find that wallowing can perpetuate the concept of depression, amplify it even. We don’t need to wallow we need to accept the things we cannot change, the past, and look to the future. Each day is an opportunity to take a positive step in any direction.

So the next time you feel a desire to think about that EX from umpteen years ago, ask yourself this; why did it end? Embrace the good things but remember why it didn’t work out in the first place. Don’t sabotage your future because you can’t distinguish between the fantasy you’ve created in your head and the reality of who the person really was. Remember the mind will embellish at your whim. Think about what you’re doing and what ‘s really important, living in the NOW or THEN. 

It’s all up to you of course but in the event that you want to have a family you might want to brush off those communication skills and live in the reality of NOW. This will save you in the times when it gets a bit hairy. Everything else can work itself out. 

 

Be strong, yet real. I know you can do it.