Friday, April 29, 2011

The Mind Embellishes the Truth: Don't Fall into the Trap


The mind is a powerful thing, if you choose to engage its many faceted services. The service I’m interested in specifically is the minds ability to romanticize people/events. Though the blame here can simply be laid with the user. 
 
Error error, does not compute..... tsk tsk. 

You know the moment something is no longer fun we start the compare game. “Oh she wouldn't have done that”, “why isn't his hair like Oscar's?” “She doesn't touch me the way So and So touched me”...”I miss the special way So and So used to look at me”... and on and on and on....

Now this is a trap I’ve long since gotten over but I was thinking about how it affected my early 20's.  It started me thinking.... what is the process? Well it's pretty simple actually- from my experience anyway.

1.     Start new relationship
2.     Be super happy and into the new relationship
3.     First issue after 6mths maybe and you start to think, what am I doing?

Now here is where it gets interesting - if you've been in love before this relationship you instantly want to think that the past relationship was more than it really was. I mean if it was SO very awesome, why is it over? This is where people start to forget the very reasons why this old love died. They start to think about all the good times you used to have with that person and slowly, like some types of poison, they start to eat away at their current relationship. It's the silent killer.

Once you start to romanticize your past love, your current relationship, whatever it is, cannot take the blunt of that silenced machine gun. So now we see the subtle changes in behavior, suddenly sex isn't as fun or important to you, the little things that irritate you about your partner start to feel like BIG issues. You start to harp on them, scratch at them like a festering wound. So because you're harping, tensions rise, your partner may try to change or at least attempt to not annoy as much. They'll be confused when everything they try to do to make things right fail because ultimately it's not their fault at all; nor does it REALLY have anything to do with the annoyances you stated you have.

Now here is the kicker, you might even say something stupid like your ex was the love of your life. Openly disrespecting your current.  Yes, people do say stupid things. Why? Because you want your current partner to know that you're unhappy, because you either are too much of an ass to just come out and say it; or you don't really even know yourself well enough to articulate what you really mean because, get this, you don't even KNOW. This is the part that gets me, people reacting on instinct not even knowing why. 

This is where I lose patience with people. People who do not wish to grow as individuals, to understand what makes them tick are just plain stupid. No relationship can work, if you don't understand yourself; I mean how do you expect anyone else to? "Hey come be with me and by the way, make sure and read my mind while you’re at it." How selfish is that!! Now you might say but things were going so well...come on the first 6 months of almost any relationship will be good. Think about it, what are you really doing anyway? Let's list them.

1.     Having loads of sex
2.     Doing the getting the know you game (I’d say this was the first 2 week)
3.     Trying to be spontaneous
4.     Trying to Impress.

Well all of that is great but there is no REALITY in any of this. This is the honeymoon stage; most people do very well here. I mean you'd have to be an idiot to mess up here.  Wait…what am I saying, most people are inherently stupid anyway…wow glad I caught myself, almost gave those people a pass there…Whew.

Anyway, here is the important piece of this whole rant, when you romanticize the past, it slowly eats away at your future destroying any real chance of happiness you could’ve had. The point of the past is to be a learning tool, a measure of reference but NOT a place to never leave or grow out of. Your past is over and done with, enough with the wallowing in it. I hate wallowing, I find that wallowing can perpetuate the concept of depression, amplify it even. We don’t need to wallow we need to accept the things we cannot change, the past, and look to the future. Each day is an opportunity to take a positive step in any direction.

So the next time you feel a desire to think about that EX from umpteen years ago, ask yourself this; why did it end? Embrace the good things but remember why it didn’t work out in the first place. Don’t sabotage your future because you can’t distinguish between the fantasy you’ve created in your head and the reality of who the person really was. Remember the mind will embellish at your whim. Think about what you’re doing and what ‘s really important, living in the NOW or THEN. 

It’s all up to you of course but in the event that you want to have a family you might want to brush off those communication skills and live in the reality of NOW. This will save you in the times when it gets a bit hairy. Everything else can work itself out. 

 
Be strong, yet real. I know you can do it.